Dear Diary: So Much for My Happy Ending

 
 

It’s obvious; I’m not the typical girl. One who will strike a conversation with ease, charm the guys with the sway of my hips or even my style of dress, but hey –  that doesn’t make me any less of a girl does it? I have class, style, and I’m intelligent. However, there’s just one little problem….

No, it’s a major problem, and it lies somewhere between the real world and the place where most girls want to be – “In love.” I really don’t know how to get there, or the procedures that I should follow. I’m lost. I’ve liked many people before and mistaken it for love. I’ve repeated the famous line that I’ve tried to indoctrinate in my life too many times: “There are many more fish in the sea.” Has it worked? Yeah I would like to think so, in the past at least.

Oh, I am so lost. Where is the “me” I used to know? Where is the girl who would bravely repeat this line and move on? I never let anything concerning men stress me out for too long. I picked up myself and tried again. However, this time I don’t know why I’m letting this hurt go on for so long. Whatever it is I’m feeling toward this particular “fish” is draining all of my energy. I get upset over petty things. I know he has no obligations to me because after all, he’s not my man. But we have something going on. Now, don’t you go jumping to conclusions and judging me. I really like him. I don’t like everything he does but he’s smart, intelligent (am I being redundant?) ambitious, athletic, talented, caring; oh, he’s just sweet – sometimes.

I’m like… in love. I’m just bottled up with emotions, and it doesn’t look good on my side. I don’t even know how to feel. I don’t know where to turn for help.

I can’t talk to him because we’ve had this conversation. We decided a long time ago that we can’t be together. He even gave me tips previously as to how I should behave towards other guys, but the sad thing is that we just keep coming back to each other.

Well, I would say I’m more hooked than he is. It’s like when he doesn’t hear my voice in a few days he gets concerned and gets all excited and wants to talk to me. He tells me how much he misses me but then, if he hears my voice for four or five days a week, it sounds to me like it irritates him. I don’t want him to get irritated. I, on the other hand, don’t mind hearing him every day. And SO – we just keep coming back to each other.

For now, I can’t imagine myself feeling comfortable with anyone else like the way I have grown accustomed to him.

This is my experience. I’m confused. Sometimes I’m so hurt that I cannot call him my own; so hurt that our lives are taking different roads; so hurt that I am not trying my best in so many areas; so hurt that I cannot let him go; so hurt that if I do…hmm… I just can’t explain how I feel right now.

I know I’m young, but sometimes people push it and tell me that I have my whole life ahead of me. However, I’m stuck, and can’t move on. It’s like I’ve waited my whole life to have this feeling and I’m just lost. I want a happy ending in life. I want what’s good and right, but if I’m stuck at this point, then….SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!

xoxo,
Hopelessly in Love

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